Certainly, there are “nice guys” out there right now reading and re-reading the title, thinking to themselves that they end up going home alone while the assholes get the girls and to some extent this is true. There are guys out in the world who are more than willing to lead girls on, when in reality, they’re just wondering what they really have to say to chalk up another notch on their bedposts. However, there are nice guys in monogamous relationships who date the same girls these “nice guys” could have had a chance with. There are nice guys in polyamorous relationships that are openly honest about what the relationship actually means and concern themselves primarily with making sure that both parties are enjoying themselves in whatever they are doing. By recognizing this fact, the truth of the matter is that “nice guys” don’t finish last—they never actually start.

The reason is because “nice guys” are actually just shy guys. They commonly end up playing the role of the friend because they sit on the bench when there’s an open spot in the field. Then if they finally do decide to play, they find out that the entire game is already over. Someone won, and the shy guy hadn’t even gotten up, he hadn’t even made the effort to get involved during whatever time period was available before the girl had met someone else or became interested only in just being friends.

The Vicious Cycle

The problem shy guys have lies within their fear of rejection, which shouldn’t even be an issue, and yet it affects them to the point of fearing rejection by someone they don’t even know as if their whole life was going to be over.  Similar to the number one fear in America, the fear of public speaking, this isn’t because these guys are afraid of talking; they’re afraid of being ridiculed, rejected by the audience they’re speaking to. However, even experienced public speakers stutter some words or stumble along the way, but end up continuing their dialogue as though no one had noticed.

The fact that these public speakers are able to do this lies precisely in their experience, their confidence, and the fact that they know not everyone is going to like them or even agree with what they are saying. They have conviction in themselves that shy guys do not. They have enough experience to know that they will make mistakes, and are able to pick up and move on because it has already happened in the past and it is a fear they have overcome. Shy guys, on the other hand, have chosen to avoid possible rejection at all costs. Instead, they then talk about how they really wanted to talk to Girl A, and when the situation comes up again, but continue to avoid it if they ever have the chance again because they don’t have the confidence to understand that one girl not possibly reciprocating an emotional or physical connection means nothing.

Why Guys and Girls Can’t Be Friends

We should probably reword this as the reasons why guys have difficulty being friends with girls because generally guys are the reason. Regardless of whether or not the guy had a crush on the girl from the beginning or develops one as their friendship continues, he is generally more than willing to try a relationship. The girl on the other hand will sometimes offer the excuse that “she doesn’t want to ruin the friendship” when, more than likely, her emotional connection is nothing more than platonic.

In reality, these guys are waiting, trapped inside their own fear of approaching and even trying to peak a girl’s romantic interests. They are afraid that girls won’t like them back if they make even the subtlest moves. They are afraid the girl will stop talking to them. They are afraid of being embarrassed and especially by someone they are friends with, and so they continue to act in the same manner as a friend and fail to show any implication of their intentions. Instead, they wait for some signal that they wonder if (some guys even think the “you’re like a brother” is a compliment that may mean she likes them); however, when they realize that they don’t know if they’ve gotten the signal or not (which they most likely haven’t), they start to feel like if they don’t pronounce their ever-adoring affection then they’ll always wonder “what if?” This leads them to decide to drop the “I like you. I’ve liked you for a really long time,” which catches the girl off guard, bringing out the “I don’t want to mess up our friendship” line. It’s a fallback on something familiar to use that while maybe still hurtful, is a lot less painful than what could have been said. And, if he decides not to tell her something along these lines, he never tells her, never tries to peak her interest (which he should do before telling her anyway if he wants to stand a chance), and instead, makes a marriage agreement and thinks about how he hopes she’s not married by the time they’re both 40.

In all actuality, it is possible for guys and girls to be friends. The reason why so few people think it’s not is because there are too many shy guys in the world. Guys who fear rejection from someone they may not even know. Guys who are afraid to give off any discrete signals that they may be interested in something more than a platonic relationship and in essence don’t do much to draw the interest of girl as anything other than just a friend. If guys were to be less shy about their feelings and were able to express their interest right from the beginning, as well as still be cool if the girl turns him down, then there is the possibility to be good friends. It’s the guys who dwell in the fear and then the sadness when they’re rejected that make those friendships difficult and awkward. The key is to stop being shy and fearing rejection because it happens and it will happen, but it’s not the end of the world. And when it does, at least experience is gained on what not to do, there’s less fear of rejection, and if you’re cool, you may even still be able to gain/have a cool friend.