In what likely may have been the most offensive roast to date, nearly nobody on the dais was left unscathed, and if you were Ann Coulter, you pretty much ended up being fried to a level never seen before.
It also managed to be a rough night for Jewel’s teeth, Peyton Manning’s forehead, and the acting abilities/statutory past of Roastee Rob Lowe. As a result, it was relatively difficult to keep this whole thing even close to a PG-13 post, which also means it was one awesome Roast.
David Spade
- “It’s not easy being Rob. He said being so handsome made it difficult for him to find meaningful roles. I wanted to ask Brad Pitt about that, but he was too busy acting in meaningful roles.”
- “You might know Ralph from The Karate Kid. If you don’t know him from that, you don’t know him.”
- “Rob was in a movie called The Outsiders, playing a character called Soda Pop … which made sense since he was about 98-percent coke.”
Pete Davidson
- “Ann Coulter is here. If you are here, Ann, who is scaring the crows away from our crops?”
- “Peyton Manning’s here. I f–king love Peyton Manning. He’s the s–t. Peyton looks like a football player’s evolved to no longer need helmets.”
- “People call Rob Lowe a bad actor, but that’s because they never saw him tell his wife he didn’t f— that nanny.”
Rob Riggle
- “Rob, in both your sex tapes, you appeared with two other people. Good God, man. You can’t even carry a sex tape.”
- “The only thing shorter than David Spade is Jewel’s greatest hits album.”
- “If Ann Coulter is here, someone must have said her name three times. Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!”
Jewel
- “I do want to say, as a feminist, that I can’t support everything that’s been said tonight. But as someone who hates Ann Coulter, I’m delighted.”
- “Rob Riggle, you look like every dad who can’t handle having a gay son.”
- “David Spade has slept with some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, proving just how ugly show business makes women feel.”
- “Peyton Manning is here because Eli is still out there making his dad proud.”
Peyton Manning
- “I’m not the only athlete up here. As you know earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby.”
- “Jeff Ross, I love that new hairstyle, pal … it makes it so much easier for women to describe you to the cops. Now all they have to say is, ‘He looked like fat Pitbull.'”
- “But I gotta tell ya, I gotta tell ya, I have no idea who the rest of you guys up here are. I mean I’ve been sitting up here tonight with all these folks that no one’s ever heard of thinking to myself, ‘Did I just get traded to the Jacksonville Jaguars?'”
- “You tried to take the air out of my retirement announcement so fast, you can probably be Tom Brady’s ball boy.” – on Rob Lowe’s tweets from five years ago
Jeff Ross
- “Ralph Macchio, it’s amazing how The Karate Kid prepared you for the rest of your life: Wax the car, sweep the floor.”
- “You look like John Stamos’ sister.” to Rob Lowe
- “Ann what happened? You wrote 11 books but you couldn’t write a single f—ing joke?”
Nikki Glaser
- “Jewel is here. Or as I call her: Trailer Swift.”
- “Jewel, I don’t want to badmouth you since God already did. Your teeth are like the Spice Girls. They’re all different colors and doing their own thing.”
- “Rob defies age…restrictions.”
- “God, it’s white up here. It’s the only way we could get Ann Coulter, though.”
Ralph Macchio
- “They see you f— a 16-year-old and they’re like, ‘Hmm, he looks like he can work in the White House.'”
Jimmy Carr
- “My friends back home aren’t going to believe it when I tell them that they let me roast Charlie Sheen’s brother’s best friend.”
- “Jewel has an incredible voice, an incredible body…and a face!”
Rob Lowe
- “SNL has just released a compilation of David’s best sketches: It’s called The Best of Chris Farley.”
- “Peyton’s here tonight to show Zika babies it could really be much worse.”
- “Ann, after your set tonight, we’ve all witnessed the first bombing that you can’t blame on a Muslim.”
Ann Coulter
…*crickets*…
